BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

hi new here . i been married for 6 yrs to a good man . we both have children from16 to 29, mine bein the youngest.weve been through alot and got through it. i think because i kept closed mouth alot and cried many nites. now all the kids dont live live with us except for my 16 yr old daughter , shes hard to raise but im tryin to keep her growin up right finishin shcool and such.my husband also . its just that he makes it much harder for me at times with her hes tougher and i like that he being a father to my girls . but when it comes to his own he babys them 19 n 21 dont workdidnt finish shcool give thier mother trouble to the point were shes had a mild stroke . he always talks so calm and lovin with them runs to them when they need $ food clothes ,believes every thing they say.when i talk to him about the way hes diffrent with mine and his hes says he not that his boys r poor things and he does nothin for them he wants to do more . i think they should get thier butts to work n help their mother.not him payin the bills .my 24 yrld daughter is livin on her own works hard for what she has why shouldnt his . he makes me think iam crazy when i argue with him he trys to rationalize his ways to me and i dont get it . is it me . i scared i dont want 2 adult boys livin with us our my husband workin to death to put a roof over thier heads if something happens to thier mother i do have a good husband its just when it comes to his boys hes indifferent

I went through the exact same thing with my ex. It all boiled down to the following: A. she is cheating on me
B. I am crazy

I now believe both were true, ....yes she was cheating, and yes I was (am) crazy.... Crazy for marrying her in the first place....She was my boss' wife and we had sex in his office...and i was not the only one.

My mother was a cheater.....so I subconsciously chose a woman just like her.

What is your birth order?
What is his birth order?

watch the movie "Namesake" and give me your opinion of it.

Also, Google: Children of divorce............and: the natural child project

iim first born, hes second .ive seen namesake . at first i was interested but it started to become interestin . i think he didnt realize how important his name and culture was until his father had that talk about how he got his name.i love the mother shes beautiful.id watch it again.

Birth order is : your age, and the ages and gender of all bio-siblings/steps and halves
ie. does he have a younger sister? what is the age difference etc.

His relations with mother: Hostile...cold...luke warm... average....friendly....affectionate...dependant....intimate etc.

What caused his 1st marriage to fail? (stated reason) vs. (what you suspect)

What caused your 1st marriage to fail?

Were the boys living with mom (unhealthy) when you met your present husband?

A marriage (especially step marriage) is like a high-stakes poker game between friends..the higher the stakes, the stronger the friendship has to be.

If I am being too nosy I apologize. but it is not natural for a man to be soft on boys and hard on girls. What is it about this picture we do not see?

im 47 hes 50.im the oldest of 4 b n 1 s. hes has 1 older s and 3 ysis 1 b whoa the youngest.hes respectful of his mother never raises his voice . but i know that growin uo she was never home .while he was away on a jjob she told him she found someone better .belive because his boys were mad at the bm for this.i ended mine because he wasnt workin and i coundnt see myself with this person he was abusive also the were taken the boys were taken away from their mother beacause the man she was with and her self also were doin drugs. i met my husband a yr after they split. we live a good life i to didnt understand why he would let them go back to her after he got custody .see what i mean how soft he is in order for them to like hin he let them do what they wanted back to moms as far as bein nosy i need all the help i can get ask away

Sorry for the delayed response.
First things first, It is hard for a person..any person.. to think rationally when they are under great stress. you need to get away for a few hours/days in order to clear your head..I can barely understand your posts. can you spend the night or the weekend with your grown daughter? If so I strongly advise you take the 16 year old and yourself out of the stressfull situation..."time out" If you could park young daughter with her sister so you could take a long drive in the country that would be better.
Meanwhile, let me explain why all the questions. "Namesake" is a great example of why marriages work better in counties where the whole culture (religion, community, parents AND couple) are involved in mate selection process.
contrasted with American culture where the most important decision of life is made by hormones.
Birth order is one of the most powerful influences on personality, which is why most U.S. presidents and C.E.O.s are 1st born.
Some general rules of Birth Order:
Duplication theorm. The adult will seek the same relationships they were familiar with as a child.......Your husband has an older sister....you have a younger brother. So he is accustomed to being around an older female and you are accustomed to being around a younger male (familiar,subconsciously)
Law of Supply and Demand:
We place a higher value on the siblings we have less of and a lower value on those we have more of.
A male with no sisters will value females more than a male with many sisters. Got to go, more later

Hi Bobi - you are NOT crazy! You describe normal stepfamily conflicts that have solutions. I encourage you to read this, and then take self-study Lesson 7. Thanks for using our Forum! - Pete