BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

I'd love some feedback please:

I have been with my husband for 4 years, we married 6 months ago. I met his 4 kids after I had dated their father for 1 year. The kids live with thier mother & their mother often hosts Christmas/birthdays etc, we all get together several times a year. So far they have seemingly been accepting and polite, for the most part. It feels to me that they have become more distant since I have married their father. The youngest, a 14 year old girl, is cold and hard to talk to, how do I approach her so that she doesn't feel I am coming on to strong? My husband and I see her about once a week, we go for dinner, movies, shopping...it is obvious that she has loyalty issues, maybe confused....so I am confused too! Should I talk to her, if so I am not sure what to say to respect the boundries to her mother. Ugh. I approach this with friendship and love and want a positive vibe.

Any insight on this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi - thanks for using our Forum. You describe a normal new-stepfamily dynamic - as you said, a "loyalty conflict." You have a number of options:

1) It's possible that (a) your stepdaughter and/or her biomom are still grieving the loss of their biofamily, and/or (b) have not fully accepted your collective identity as a legal stepfamily. If her biomom (or other key relatives) hasn't fully accepted you as the kids' stepmom, that will contribute to the girl's confusion. Read this and this for perspective and options on post-divorce and post-remarriage losses and grieving, and survey all of you (including your husband) for incomplete grief. Do you think all your stepkids have a clear understanding of why their parents split up?

2) If the biomom is wounded and is still hurt and angry at your husband, she may feeel and demonstrate significant resentment and hostility toward her ex and you - tho you've done nothing to deserve that (true?). If so, this will promote c/overt loyalty conflicts in all her kids and some relatives. Ideally, all you adults will want to form a cooperative strategy for handling this and two related step-stressors. See this for perspective and options.

3) As a new stepmom, you and other family membes may be unclear as to what your role is. If so, that can contribute to the girl's distance. She needs assurance that you want to do "mothering things" but arent trying to "be my Mom." She also may need adult reassurance that she and her sibs don't have to "love you" because you're married to their Dad. Any role confusion can be amplified if your husband (and/or his ex) doesn't fully accept your stepfamily identity yet, and what that identity means. Follow the links for perspective and options. Also, I suggest you and your husband read and discuss this.

4) It may help if you, your husband, and the girl (and sibs, and the ex?) have an open discussion about stepfamily loyalty conflicts and family-relationship priorities.

5) See if this general article on communicating effectively with kids offers anything relevant.

6) Finally, if the girl is going thru puberty, she may be generally unsure of herself. Could that contribute to her "distance"?

This is a lot to absorb and experiment with, so be patient and give you all time to learn. Your marriage resets the time clock on everyone adjusting to your "step-hood," and it may take several years for everyone to "learn the ropes" and forge realistic expectations.

Your questions are welcome here! - Pete