BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

Once upon a time… I was abandoned and emotionally abused by my family of origin, not because they chose to or even wanted to do that to me but because they had been abused and emotionally deprived too and just didn’t know any better. Sadly, self-abuse put both my parents into early graves and turned my half-bro into an alcoholic gambler (in applause of him, he is now 15 years sober). I don’t exaggerate when I say that abandonment and rejection are my primary core issues.

As if I hadn’t suffered enough, for good measure, I even jumped on board and kicked myself into an even deeper hole and plain abused, rejected and abandoned myself far worse than any other human being has ever done – occasionally I have opened the trap door and let that hurt part of me out for some air, but usually followed it up with a good beating! The biggest block in my own recovery so far has been ME. Until recently, I too was dying emotionally, spiritually and most probably physically, from my own self-abuse. After finally ending my most recent relationship with a fellow wounded adult-child (the man I had believed to be ‘the one’), I was left with two choices, 1. In an act of misguided martyrdom and self pity - end my own life or 2. For my own and my daughters’ sakes learn to break the cross-generational cycle of self-abuse and get well for REAL. To be honest, I would never have chosen the first option, but that misguided part of me was just in so much pain at that time, that it was flirting with the fantasy of it.

In the seven months since my REAL recovery began, I’ve become so aware of that part of myself that could perhaps be labeled ‘inner critic’, though I think ‘inner despot’ is probably a more appropriate term! I decided to name this part of myself ‘Mr Boss’ and until recently, what a nasty, abusive, compassionless piece of work this so called inner guardian of mine has been. In Mr Boss’s defense, he didn’t know any better, he had learned early in life to turn inwards on me as he was forbidden outward expression within the dynamic of my dysfunctional family system. But.. continuing to be angry with my own ego is futile and only prevents my advanced recovery. It is this war with myself that has kept me going around in circles for decades, like a snake swallowing its own tail. That’s just how I have felt most of my life - devoured!

This inner guardian (critic) is a crucial part of each of us that should be helping with self-soothing and moving forward not sabotaging our attemts. Recently I’ve been in negotiations with this controlling part of myself and slowly it is coming around to this new positive approach - but old habits die hard, I am having to be super vigilant. All this time, I have been trying to rescue the hurt and down trodden part of myself but I have been failing because I missed the crucial lesson of transforming my inner critic first, only then could a successful rescue take place.

For my pain, it has always been so easy to blame my deceased parents, my brother, and all the emotionally abusive or emotionally distant men I have willingly ‘chosen’ and invited into my life, some friends too - but the part of main abuser all these years has been played by my very own ‘Mr Boss’. He is the main perpetrator who has been keeping me down. Every time I have made a stand, it is this part of me that has yelled ‘get back in your cage where you belong, who do you think you are? You will always be a worthless piece of crap, who no one will ever want’. At these times, just to prove his point he would invite the next external abuser to enter into my life.

Exiling ‘Mr Boss’ was never an option, he needs to be transformed and integrated into my psyche and the only way to do that is to forgive him and talk him down with love, compassion and common sense, oh and a large smattering of flattery! He has a huge ego, always likes to be right - but with self love and patience he has started to come around, before long he will believe it was all his idea in the first place!

I have no doubt that once this part of me becomes a complete ally instead of an internal enemy, the battle will be as good as won and that down-trodden and hurt little girl can finally be rescued completely. She will then be able to recover her health and vitality, grow in wisdom and maturity and be fully present to enjoy the years she has left in this life. Whoever said fairy tales don’t come true? The End ……

Beautiful story, Klarity! You're on the right track. I propose Mr. Boss (your Critic) DOESN'T have a huge Ego - s/he simply feels no-one else can keep your Inner Little Girl Safe! If you (a) introduce your Little Girl to your dedicated Nurturer / Good Parent subself, and tfhen (b) work to get your Critic to trust your true Self and othe Manager subselves, your can retrain your Critoic to moderate his/he behavior toward RESPECTFUL suggestions, rathe than sahaming rants. I urge you to study Lesson 1 to learn how to do this!