BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

I need help! I have never been in in this situation before. Here is my situation: My husband and I are on our second marriage each. We as a couple have a traditional view on what family should be which is if you marry someone with children, you must be willing to accept the other's children as your own and must be able to have a say as to what happens in all of the children's lives rgarding discipline, parently advice, friendship, love and every meaning parent has. However, my oldest stepdaughter, now 18 - almost 19 - has barely tolerated me from day 1. I love my step kids like my own but the stepkids were poisoned by their abusive mother from the beginning, telling them that their father has another family now and no longer loves you and on and on. Time had passed and the dust settled, or so I thought. Recently here mom kicked her out of the house because of the step daughter's abusive and angry behavior. So, we took her into my mom's home with us, which is where we live right now, she was ok for a while but soon began to get angry at the smallest things like wanting a shower and bathroom time but not saying anything to anyone about her plans, then getting so angry if someone goes into the washroom that everyone is ignored or snapped at. Her moodiness was getting worse and worse and one night she blew up at her dad when she asked him to pay for her cellphone bills - even though she found a job (a little background information: her mom said she would continue to pay for her but changed her mind because her new husband lost his job with the economy and my husband's job was threatened for the same reason), and started to yell at her dad. (She shared a bedroom with our toddler son) Being so angry she proceeded to go to their bedroom, turn on the bedside light and called her mom crying to her mom about what her dad said regarding not paying the cell phone, so I went in there to ask her to turn the baby monitor back on and to turn the light off and noticed my son could not sleep, so I finally lost my temper with her after putting up with her moods and putting up with being ignored. I told her to get off her lazy butt, stop complaining and work for what she wants. I told her she was being very selfish and only thinking of herself and I told her to stop acting like a cow, so she exploded at me and called me a fat-assed-b***h.
I do love her but cannot put up with that behavior after I went out of my waY TO DRIVE HER TO HIGHSCHOOL (WHICH IS A 20-30 minute ride one way) everyday, making my own daughter late all the time, and bringing her money so she could have 20 bucks on her if she were to need it some time. I went out of my way to make her really feel part of the family and included and we didn't even ask her to pick up after herself or help with anything because in the beginning we knew she was having a hard time with things mentally and emotionally - her own mom didn't want her and told her she didn't love her anymore, etc. So while we were arguing her dad came in the room knowing she can be violent to try to calm her down andmshe called him an a**hole and told him she didn't want to talk to him and to get out so he told her to get her stuff and he was going to take her back to her mom's house. I told my husband that she is no longer permitted to come into this house or to be around the other two children because of her negativity and anger. I don't trust her actions with anyone including our other two kids as she hates my daughter for whatever reason. I know she barely tolerated me from the start and now I know I am hated by her.

What can I do? I need to protect my family and my mom doesn't want her around anymore because of all the stress she has caused all of us over the last 5 months. My husband agrees with me but my nerves get triggered even when she calls him and he is very defensive about anything I have to say or things I need to talk to him about. I cannot handle a lot of stress to begin with because of my own life happenings and I don't know how to deal with this situation because it is still getting between my husband and I. And the problem I have with my husband is that he doesn't stick with what he tells her for example he told her she cannot call him anymore when she wants a ride home after work, etc because he told her she was on her own. Now he told her he could drive her home on the weekends when she works but not the weekdays..............He has no followthrough with his kids making things stressful between us even more.I know he feels bad because he doesn't want tosee his daughtern end up on the street one day if she loses her temper with her mother again because she will kick her out again.

Can someone give me some advice on what to do about this. I was supposed to go to her highschool grad but now am not.

I do not want to see a great relationship between my husband and I go down the hill and we almost did this past weekend.

Thank you for any help anyone can give to me.

honey

Note - the broken links in this reply were fixed 10/8/09

Hi Honey - your story is a classic stepfamily tale. Several suggestions:

1) If you and your husband havent studied stepfamily basics, (a) take and discuss this quiz; (b) read and discuss these Q&A items; (c) read this example together; and then (d) invest time in taking self-study Lesson 7 together.

2) Your husband's ex is probably a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC), - and so is his daughter. See this and this.

3) You co-parents and kids are probably struggling with 3 common relationship stressors. See this for suggestions. For options toward improving your relationships, see and apply this.

4) I suggest you DON'T have to love your stepkids "as your own" unless they were infants with you - see this.

5) You mates need to be very clear on your respective life priority. Are yours in agreement?

6) Your husband may need some griefwork re his prior family, and may heed to reduce excessive guilt to normal. See and discuss this and this.

This is a LOT to absorb and experiment, so keep a long-range outlook, and take your time! Compassionately, Pete

i can relate to you . ive had the same problems.my husband parents poorly because of the guilt. my sk r 19m21 boys. lil gangters .lived with us 2 yrs n the bm was problems all the time . one of them was beatin my 10yr old daughter , i found this out after they went to live with bm , husband lied to me about so m uch concernin his kids .i was glad to see them go and dont want them to live with us ever again. he now keeps it seperate . when he sees them he drops me off at a store . the drive is an hour from our house . i felt bad at first that i felt this way but i dont now.this is what works for me. their all adults dont like me and never include me in anything. thats ok . i wish u luck take care of yourself