BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

I have been separated from my husband for almost 2 years and the divorce is almost final, finally. I have been dating a man who I love very much and my kids (8, boy and 5, girl) like a lot but my ex does not accept this at all and makes it very uncomfortable for the children.

For example, Christmas just past. My ex asked my son what gift he liked better, the one he gave him or the one my boyfriend gave him. My son told his dad that he liked the one his dad gave him best "so that he didn't hurt his feelings." This sort of thing happens constantly. I just wish my ex considered the kids feelings as much as they consider his. I have asked him to be more sensitive about not putting them in the middle, but he denies that he does. Clearly my son is not lying. Not only does he deny it when I ask him to change in a non-threatening way, but then he tells the kids that "I think he's a bad dad" because I ask him to change his behavior. This manipulates the kids even more.

They don't know what to do and what to think. They are clearly in pain. My ex's behavior is making my having a bf an agonizing experience for my kids. I am considering breaking up an otherwise very happy relationship for their sake. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do or not...

Hi Sunshine - tough, normal stepfamily situation. You describe a standard "loyalty (values) conflict and a relationship triangle You have several options:

Your ex sounds like a "Grown Wounded Child" (GWC) who may not have been able to grieve your divorce fully yet, and/or to accept that you're all a psychological stepfamily because of your new relationship. If so, you can't make him reduce his wounds, admit your family identity, or grieve. You can ask him to read this and discuss it with you for the sake of your kids. See these wise guidelines...

You all are confronted with the inescapable choice of post-divorce priorities. The adults I've met in successful stepfamilies want to put their wholistic healths first, their primary relationship second, and all else - including kids' feelings - third - except in emergencies. This really puts the kids first (long range), by avoiding another traumatic family breakup.

When your divorce legalities and conflicts end, your ex may be able to finish grieving his losses, and to accdept that you need to move on with your life. This is less likely if he is a GWC in protective denial. See Lessons 1 and 2 for options.

Another set of options you have is to model and help your kids learn to use assertive "I-messages" when their Dad's insecurity makes them uncomfortable.

Anyone else have comments or advice for Sunshine? - Pete

The best thing you can do for your kids is be happy....Unless your idea of happiness is throwing them off a bridge.
Also, keep in mind that they need a father or father figure (of the sane variety) in order to develope properly (in most cases)

Hi - ...and the way to "be happy" (and protect your kids) is to assess yourself for false-self wounds and reduce any you find! See Lesson 1.