BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

Hi All,
Wondering if anyone else has had this problem. My husband's ex thinks she should be able to borrow my husband's tools for fix it projects around her house. Last time this happened she called stepson while he was here and asked him to ask to borrow one of dad's tools to hang something in her house. They were divorced for almost ten years when hubby and I met. This really makes me mad; I feel that she is deliberately using the kids to get around appropriate boundaries. My hubby tells me she never did this before and had no reason to think he'd even be willing to loan her anything after the way she treated him. Hubby's family has made a point of suddenly showing an interest in her and inviting her to family events when they showed no desire to remain in contact the whole near decade they've been divorced and I think this disrespect towards me has possibly emboldened her to feel like this is her turf, not mine. They didn't like her either so I don't think its motivated by genuine feelings.

I suppose if she asked us as a couple, herself, if we would feel comfortable loaning her the item she wanted just this once until she got one of her own we may have considered it. I have no desire to be arbitrary, bitchy or mean and actually wish we could be friends but her phony, classless behavior doesn't promote trust. The woman lives a short distance away from a hardware store, for goodness sake. We are not next door neighbors either. She's been on her own for over ten years and has a job that pays reasonably well - I seriously doubt that she didn't figure out in the first year on her own that there would be times she needed tools. Why hasn't she purchased some? They are easily had at second hand stores for a fraction of the price if cost is an issue. Hubby says she has always been grabby and pushy. I had something that was of interest to her and I kindly gave it to her when I intended to sell it and instead of recognizing it as an act of kindness, she behaved in a pushy fashion and acted as if she had scored a coup on someone who was too stupid to value the item! Hubby's children seem to feel really sorry for her because she supposedly is poor and both kids and mom seem to think my hubby owes her his help and concern and access to resources she doesn't have, like tools. They don't understand why her behaviour is out line and don't get the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage thing or why her behavior is inappropriate.The son took hubby to task, calling him a selfish hypocrite because he didn't want to lend out his resources to her.

Hubby told him that he didn't like the way his mother used him as a go between to get something she no longer had a right to. He further explained that bio mom is his ex wife, not his wife and that it isn't his job to supply her with tools and the like. He told his son that he has no problem lending son his tools because he is his son, and he's welcome to use dad's tools anytime in the garage but after this time they don't leave the property for use on bio mom's projects. Son was hurt and offended and seems to see his mom as a hurt victim. In actual fact, she made a big girl choice to end the marriage and sent hubby down the hall to live in a suite she'd already rented out for him! So why she is acting like my husband still owes her some kind of care and provision I do not know, but I DON"T like it and its making me mad. To boot, the kids think the only reason dad is saying no is because I don't want him to, not because he disagrees too. So this leaves me feeling as though asserting my self will get me hated. Its almost as though a bit of denial stil persists in mom and kids about the relationship between bio parents being over as far as love and husbandly care is concerned. I've always had the feeling that they accept me to some degree but maintain a pocket of denail somewhere that says "We're still a family and you're along for the ride, we'll tolerate you but you have no power here". I actually wondered if something was going on to make ex wife feel she was welcome to borrow stuff! Hubby says there is nothing and there is no way he would ever want to be with her again. He finds her phoney and nauseating and not a nice person at all. This is making me feel as though I am a second class citizen and not the "real" wife but some kind of cheap placebo wife that doesn't have the same status! I hate feeling as though I must somehow walk on eggshells and act as if I have no right or authority because of this prior relationship. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Somehow I've gotten so intimidated and backed down that the old false self is ruling and I feel like a helpless, intimidated and disprected dupe! Hubby and I are struggling with learning to have boundaries and stand up to people but we both come from families that are somewhat demeaning and great at putting you down and in the place they've assigned you, so this sin't easy. End of rant - thanks for listening, comments welcome.

Hey Palamino! Nice to meet a fellow newcomer.

I have never been in your situation but it does sound like she is trying to test the limits of her influence/power.

What I am about to tell you should be handleled like nitroglycerine because it will probably blow up in your face. If my life is any indication you could travel this great land for years without finding someone whose advice is worse than mine, and if you do I would like to meet them. Maybe we could form a team and get on riply's believe it or not...Still, you asked for it so here it comes!

Get a sample of her handwriting and compare with yours. If the slant of her writing is opposite of yours (one slant at 11:00 am and the other at 2:pm) You have no choice but to move to another city because there will little chance of any good communication between you. (similar handwriting slant equals able to communicate)

Start sucking up to her kids (you can learn a lot from kids .....But don't do it Maliciously, If she even suspects the kids are starting to like you she will stop sending them for tools....or anything else.

suggest to hubby that he should go by the pawn shop and get his kids mom a set of tools and you and him deliver them personally and while you are there you could invite her and the kids over for dinner and a dvd that you just happened to find at blockbuster that day. Something like "Peacefull Warrior" or "The Namesake" or any inspirational,uplifting movie.

Take over responsibility for the tools so that the kids have to ask/go through YOU...NOT HIM. This may give you a clue as to her motive
If she is trying to maintainthe prior "claim" she will stop using the tool angle. if she continues then you should start delivering the tools personally in a total spirit of friendship and say something like, "got anything to drink?"...It is possible you could become friends.

Take the cow by the horns.... YOU go buy her a cheap set of tools an drop them by her house with an aire of superiority. ( Like your giving a homeless person a handout) Hell, you could leave her a bible, that'l put her in her place....If she is a lot bigger or meaner than you I would go with plan B.

And last, but not least: DON"T LET HER CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS!.... unless of course your reason for being here is an inability to express emotion, in which case you should call her up and tell her exactly how the cow eats the cabbage!

I hope one of the above will kick-start your imagination and you have the best outcome possible under the circomstances. let me know how it turns out.

Hi Palomino,

I remember when the ex would call my dh's (at the time just dating) mother's home or his cell phone to ask directions to somewhere. Like he was her personal mapquest. I couldn't wait for her to get a boyfriend so she would stop bugging us. This was before she knew I existed; even before I'd met the kids. I now feel it was purely her way to pull his strings and maintain control over him...as she did their entire relationship.

She doesn't do that anymore, but she does other things to ensure she's still in control. The kids aren't yet old enough for her to use them the way you describe, but I imagine that will come later. So while your story is different than mine, I totally relate to the feelings of helplessness and frustration...of being on the outside and walking on eggshells. I knew it would be a difficult situation to marry into a step relationship...and I love my family...but it's HARD.

I read stuff on forums and such about these aweful divorce/remarriage/step relationships and feel that I'm not in those same extreme situations, thank goodness. But the feelings are are real.

Sincerely,
Denise