ex sends kids to borrow
Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 10:36 pmHi All,
Wondering if anyone else has had this problem. My husband's ex thinks she should be able to borrow my husband's tools for fix it projects around her house. Last time this happened she called stepson while he was here and asked him to ask to borrow one of dad's tools to hang something in her house. They were divorced for almost ten years when hubby and I met. This really makes me mad; I feel that she is deliberately using the kids to get around appropriate boundaries. My hubby tells me she never did this before and had no reason to think he'd even be willing to loan her anything after the way she treated him. Hubby's family has made a point of suddenly showing an interest in her and inviting her to family events when they showed no desire to remain in contact the whole near decade they've been divorced and I think this disrespect towards me has possibly emboldened her to feel like this is her turf, not mine. They didn't like her either so I don't think its motivated by genuine feelings.
I suppose if she asked us as a couple, herself, if we would feel comfortable loaning her the item she wanted just this once until she got one of her own we may have considered it. I have no desire to be arbitrary, bitchy or mean and actually wish we could be friends but her phony, classless behavior doesn't promote trust. The woman lives a short distance away from a hardware store, for goodness sake. We are not next door neighbors either. She's been on her own for over ten years and has a job that pays reasonably well - I seriously doubt that she didn't figure out in the first year on her own that there would be times she needed tools. Why hasn't she purchased some? They are easily had at second hand stores for a fraction of the price if cost is an issue. Hubby says she has always been grabby and pushy. I had something that was of interest to her and I kindly gave it to her when I intended to sell it and instead of recognizing it as an act of kindness, she behaved in a pushy fashion and acted as if she had scored a coup on someone who was too stupid to value the item! Hubby's children seem to feel really sorry for her because she supposedly is poor and both kids and mom seem to think my hubby owes her his help and concern and access to resources she doesn't have, like tools. They don't understand why her behaviour is out line and don't get the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage thing or why her behavior is inappropriate.The son took hubby to task, calling him a selfish hypocrite because he didn't want to lend out his resources to her.
Hubby told him that he didn't like the way his mother used him as a go between to get something she no longer had a right to. He further explained that bio mom is his ex wife, not his wife and that it isn't his job to supply her with tools and the like. He told his son that he has no problem lending son his tools because he is his son, and he's welcome to use dad's tools anytime in the garage but after this time they don't leave the property for use on bio mom's projects. Son was hurt and offended and seems to see his mom as a hurt victim. In actual fact, she made a big girl choice to end the marriage and sent hubby down the hall to live in a suite she'd already rented out for him! So why she is acting like my husband still owes her some kind of care and provision I do not know, but I DON"T like it and its making me mad. To boot, the kids think the only reason dad is saying no is because I don't want him to, not because he disagrees too. So this leaves me feeling as though asserting my self will get me hated. Its almost as though a bit of denial stil persists in mom and kids about the relationship between bio parents being over as far as love and husbandly care is concerned. I've always had the feeling that they accept me to some degree but maintain a pocket of denail somewhere that says "We're still a family and you're along for the ride, we'll tolerate you but you have no power here". I actually wondered if something was going on to make ex wife feel she was welcome to borrow stuff! Hubby says there is nothing and there is no way he would ever want to be with her again. He finds her phoney and nauseating and not a nice person at all. This is making me feel as though I am a second class citizen and not the "real" wife but some kind of cheap placebo wife that doesn't have the same status! I hate feeling as though I must somehow walk on eggshells and act as if I have no right or authority because of this prior relationship. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Somehow I've gotten so intimidated and backed down that the old false self is ruling and I feel like a helpless, intimidated and disprected dupe! Hubby and I are struggling with learning to have boundaries and stand up to people but we both come from families that are somewhat demeaning and great at putting you down and in the place they've assigned you, so this sin't easy. End of rant - thanks for listening, comments welcome.
Wondering if anyone else has had this problem. My husband's ex thinks she should be able to borrow my husband's tools for fix it projects around her house. Last time this happened she called stepson while he was here and asked him to ask to borrow one of dad's tools to hang something in her house. They were divorced for almost ten years when hubby and I met. This really makes me mad; I feel that she is deliberately using the kids to get around appropriate boundaries. My hubby tells me she never did this before and had no reason to think he'd even be willing to loan her anything after the way she treated him. Hubby's family has made a point of suddenly showing an interest in her and inviting her to family events when they showed no desire to remain in contact the whole near decade they've been divorced and I think this disrespect towards me has possibly emboldened her to feel like this is her turf, not mine. They didn't like her either so I don't think its motivated by genuine feelings.
I suppose if she asked us as a couple, herself, if we would feel comfortable loaning her the item she wanted just this once until she got one of her own we may have considered it. I have no desire to be arbitrary, bitchy or mean and actually wish we could be friends but her phony, classless behavior doesn't promote trust. The woman lives a short distance away from a hardware store, for goodness sake. We are not next door neighbors either. She's been on her own for over ten years and has a job that pays reasonably well - I seriously doubt that she didn't figure out in the first year on her own that there would be times she needed tools. Why hasn't she purchased some? They are easily had at second hand stores for a fraction of the price if cost is an issue. Hubby says she has always been grabby and pushy. I had something that was of interest to her and I kindly gave it to her when I intended to sell it and instead of recognizing it as an act of kindness, she behaved in a pushy fashion and acted as if she had scored a coup on someone who was too stupid to value the item! Hubby's children seem to feel really sorry for her because she supposedly is poor and both kids and mom seem to think my hubby owes her his help and concern and access to resources she doesn't have, like tools. They don't understand why her behaviour is out line and don't get the whole marriage/divorce/remarriage thing or why her behavior is inappropriate.The son took hubby to task, calling him a selfish hypocrite because he didn't want to lend out his resources to her.
Hubby told him that he didn't like the way his mother used him as a go between to get something she no longer had a right to. He further explained that bio mom is his ex wife, not his wife and that it isn't his job to supply her with tools and the like. He told his son that he has no problem lending son his tools because he is his son, and he's welcome to use dad's tools anytime in the garage but after this time they don't leave the property for use on bio mom's projects. Son was hurt and offended and seems to see his mom as a hurt victim. In actual fact, she made a big girl choice to end the marriage and sent hubby down the hall to live in a suite she'd already rented out for him! So why she is acting like my husband still owes her some kind of care and provision I do not know, but I DON"T like it and its making me mad. To boot, the kids think the only reason dad is saying no is because I don't want him to, not because he disagrees too. So this leaves me feeling as though asserting my self will get me hated. Its almost as though a bit of denial stil persists in mom and kids about the relationship between bio parents being over as far as love and husbandly care is concerned. I've always had the feeling that they accept me to some degree but maintain a pocket of denail somewhere that says "We're still a family and you're along for the ride, we'll tolerate you but you have no power here". I actually wondered if something was going on to make ex wife feel she was welcome to borrow stuff! Hubby says there is nothing and there is no way he would ever want to be with her again. He finds her phoney and nauseating and not a nice person at all. This is making me feel as though I am a second class citizen and not the "real" wife but some kind of cheap placebo wife that doesn't have the same status! I hate feeling as though I must somehow walk on eggshells and act as if I have no right or authority because of this prior relationship. GRRRRRRRRRRRR! Somehow I've gotten so intimidated and backed down that the old false self is ruling and I feel like a helpless, intimidated and disprected dupe! Hubby and I are struggling with learning to have boundaries and stand up to people but we both come from families that are somewhat demeaning and great at putting you down and in the place they've assigned you, so this sin't easy. End of rant - thanks for listening, comments welcome.
.....But don't do it Maliciously, If she even suspects the kids are starting to like you she will stop sending them for tools....or anything else.