and round and round it goes!
Posted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:28 amI'd like to think that I've broken at least some of the cycles continued by my parents, but other cycles are still out there! I openly admit that I'm a GWC, a people-pleasing codependent, a boundary-less approval junkie and I will stop at nothing to cling to what (or who) I want.
The current cycle I am wrestling with began with my father. Emotionally and at most times physically unavailable to me, I desperately craved his attention and love, but never really felt like I received it. He died shortly after I turned 18, and I've done some grief work in therapy and at his gravesite.
The next cycle was with my now ex husband. The catalyst for the end of our marriage was his affair and those last years were a repeat of my clinging and doing anything and everything to keep him. I spent many, many hours in therapy during the years before and after my divorce. I did individual therapy, participated in a number of groups including a 12-step recovery group.
My other dating relationships both before my marriage and since then haven't been quite so dramatic, unless I really fall for the guy. The current situation is an example. I am presently in a relationship that is not one-sided, but I want more and he's not ready. I've been advised by many others to move on, but I can't.
And so my Critic ("subself") is screaming at me. "You're not doing the right, healthy thing!", "Why are you back in a situation like this again?", "You should know better!", etc. Sometimes I can get it to stop by having the nurturing, accepting parent in me soothe myself: "Where you are right now is okay, we'll get you through this, we can take this one day at a time, one step at a time, etc." But the berating is pretty fierce and doesn't stop for long.
I have often wondered if all that reading I did during those years of therapy only bloated my Critic. Now he knows all these recovery principles and why I am the way I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing, so he can scream a bunch of facts at me. And they're all accurate. So I cower.
How do I get him to be quiet, but still feel good about myself and what I am doing/being???
The current cycle I am wrestling with began with my father. Emotionally and at most times physically unavailable to me, I desperately craved his attention and love, but never really felt like I received it. He died shortly after I turned 18, and I've done some grief work in therapy and at his gravesite.
The next cycle was with my now ex husband. The catalyst for the end of our marriage was his affair and those last years were a repeat of my clinging and doing anything and everything to keep him. I spent many, many hours in therapy during the years before and after my divorce. I did individual therapy, participated in a number of groups including a 12-step recovery group.
My other dating relationships both before my marriage and since then haven't been quite so dramatic, unless I really fall for the guy. The current situation is an example. I am presently in a relationship that is not one-sided, but I want more and he's not ready. I've been advised by many others to move on, but I can't.
And so my Critic ("subself") is screaming at me. "You're not doing the right, healthy thing!", "Why are you back in a situation like this again?", "You should know better!", etc. Sometimes I can get it to stop by having the nurturing, accepting parent in me soothe myself: "Where you are right now is okay, we'll get you through this, we can take this one day at a time, one step at a time, etc." But the berating is pretty fierce and doesn't stop for long.
I have often wondered if all that reading I did during those years of therapy only bloated my Critic. Now he knows all these recovery principles and why I am the way I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing, so he can scream a bunch of facts at me. And they're all accurate. So I cower.
How do I get him to be quiet, but still feel good about myself and what I am doing/being???