BREAK THE [WOUNDS + UNAWARENESS] CYCLE!

Hi,

Not sure if this is the right place to post this issue, but looking for some feedback on how to address this issue. My husband (I'm second wife) has two children with ex. We have a working relationship - friendly but not too cozy. There are definitely issues with the co-parenting thing but we work hard to recognize them and work through. Background: Kids were infants when their parents separated. S10 has ADHD. D7 wasn't even 1-year-old when separated. BM initiated the divorce, though it wasn't a healthy relationship for both. BM has a live in BF. He's older and had kids of his own that are long since out of the house and settled in other states. This is my first marriage; I'm same age as husband (40). My husband faught hard to have what custody he could get. In MA, this isn't much. The kids live with their BM full time; we're EOW parents. My husband also has "dinner visits" each week, participates in boy scouts & sports, takes kids on vacations as time and money permits. In short has worked VERY hard to maintain relationships with the kids despite the situation. We live about 40 minutes away from BM, so this is a serious effort on our part that we both consider totally the only way to go. Kids need both parents; we will always do what ever it takes to stay involved. So this is the issue. Recently there have been a few instances of S10 not seeming to recogized DH as "family". To clarify, S10 is very needy and territorial with his dad when they're together, so I know the love and bond is there. But when he's had to create journals or artwork for school, when drawing or showing his "family", he's consistently drawing or showing Him, Sister, Mom and BF...never Him, sister, mom, bf, DH, SM (me). This has been soooo disheartening for my husband. I presume that since S10 does homework at mom's house, that he's thinking "mom's house" when doing this. I suspect that if he was at dad's house doing this homework/artwork, that he'd have dad in the picture. This logic doesn't help my husband feel any better about the idea that his kids might not think of him or dad's home as family, just as the other house he visits sometimes. And I don't really suspect that S10 is really cognizant that he's doing anything that might be upsetting; he's very immature and very earnest really. However D7 is a bit quicker and does seem to understand. So, I'd like to hear how to work through this with the kids. Should the issue be addressed somehow? We don't want them to feel bad or make them feel they have to choose. But we want to reinforce the notion that we're all in the same family...especially before it gets much worse. Let mke know what you think.

Thanks,
Denise

Hey Denise! Glad to hear from another GWC.
Seems to me you have two problems; The divorce (past) and the "not too cozy" deal you have struck with your mate (present) however they are related in that the same dynamic that led to hubby's divorce in the first place seems to be playing itself out in the present relationship between you and hubby. The gremlin that destroyed their marriage, (and created step-kids) happens to more than 50% of marriages today and is even now working on your "working relationship" with your husband.
Since the best thing parents can do for their children is to love eachother, if you can fix the relationship between you and your spouse everything else will fall into place (more or less)
Keep in mind that I am a GWC and everything i say could be and probably is the ramblings of an insane lunatic hwo has been so damaged by this sick society the fact that I am still alive after sixty-three years is one of natures great mysteries.

Hi pitwise,

I'm new to this but I don't think I'm a GWC. Hubby and myself are very much sympathetic to each other and are on the same page about supporting the kids. I would really like to hear about how to reinforce the idea of "family" with the kids as something more than just what's in their mom's home. It's so hard to know how to deal with stuff without making the kids think they've done something wrong.

I think it's going to take BF respectfully explaining to BM how he feels and getting her to somehow buy into the one big family. The more the BPs get along, the more the children will see the bond. My exhusband left me with three teenagers and my kids are very bonded to me. Dad has his new family and the kids are mine. When my son graduated and had to write a speech about his family, he wrote about just me and his brothers. In my opinion, it takes a lot of involvement for the other parents to get any credit. As far as I know, my kids don't feel loyalty conflicts, it's just that's what it is and in my case, I don't think BD cares. Most likely your SS isn't doing it on purpose to hurt anyone, his family is who he lives with and, sorry to say, not the EOW parents.

I recently went to my ex-father-in-laws funeral. He was wonderful father-in-law and I wanted to honor his family along with my kids. I was invited so it didn't come as a surprise. I think my ex's family was happy I came and I tried to use it as a example that families are families no matter what. Unfortunately, my exhusband didn't take a moment to say hello nor did he introduce me to his new wife. He used this opportunity to snub me. That's not a good exampe for my kids or anybody to see. it's hard to reinforce inclusion when you are being excluded!

Anyway, you sound like a great SM. it takes a lot of time and no matter what keep, being around and involved. Good luck.

Hey Denise, thanks for responding! I was beginning to think this forum was dead!
Several things:
1) The fact that bm is raising boys without a father, (and probably blames him for divorce) will be known by the chidren and be psychologically stressful to the kids. This is, or can be emotionally damaging to the kids.

2) the fact that she is "living" with a man (not bf) Is damaging the kids at some level IN MOST CASES.

3) The fact that She is NOT MARRIED to this man suggests either he is using her or she is using him or both (mutual degradation) is not healthy for kids (or them in the long run)

4) The fact that she CHOSE to marry (or have children) with a man that she ultimately would leave suggests a dysfunctional personality incapable of intimacy....not talking about sex. More emotional abuse for kids.

5) A person who invites their x over for a dinner date without extending an invitation to x's current spouse suggests big problems.

6 A person who is invited to accompany spouse on a dinner date with ex and refuses to go suggests big problems.

You may not be able to totally undo or prevent inevitable long-term damage to the kids that will almost certainly result from their parents divorce. But you can offer them a picture of life as it should be by "modelling" a set of loving parents.

Without having the specific details of a particular incident I can only offer the above general opinions, maybe someone eles can be of mor help. I would only remind you of the old analagy of the alligators and the swamp:

PEOPLE TODAY ARE SO BUSY FIGHTING ALLIGATORS IT'S HARD TO FOCUS ON DRAINING THE SWAMP!
The "alligators" are your step-kids. The "swamp" is the sick society that created them....DRAIN THE SWAMP!

Hi Denise - You sketch a VERY common stepfamily problem. I wonder if your stepkids and their BioMom and her BF understand what a "stepfamily" is, and that they're in one? I also wonder whether DH's ex and/or BF is influencing the kids to exclude you and their Dad. Ever hear of "Parental Alienation Syndrome" (PAS)? I urge you four co-parents to do these:

1) learn and discuss stepfamily basics - http://www.sfhelp.org/03/facts.htm and http://www.sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm Then make sure all four sets of GPs and other realtives know these basics. Learn and accept you're NOT a(n intact) biofamily - you're a normal stepfamily, which differs in almost 60 ways!

2) learn what typical kids of divorce and parental re-coupling need: http://www.sfhelp.org/10/kid_needs.htm and http://www.sfhelp.org/Rx/spsc/basics.htm

3) learn how to make a family "map" and ask the kids to help make one with you adults - http://www.sfhelp.org/03/geno.htm

4) Select, read, and discuss articles from this menu: http://www.sfhelp.org/Rx/menu_sf.htm

You are not alone here! Thanks for posting - Pete

Hi Pete,

Thank you for responding. I'd found your book reviews on Amazon while looking for resources, and followed your link to this site.

Alienation is something we are very aware of. I refuse to take the low road. But I suspect that BM isn't so ethical unfortunately. So we do what we can do and count on the kids being smart enough to judge actions over words.

I had heard about the family map or family tree project somewhere before. I'm going to make that one happen right away. This can be a fun project for the kids on a rainy day.

Thanks for these great ideas and articles to use to open discussions between DH and me. I don't anticipate that all four parents will sit down and talk, but it may help us deal with things better. And we can bring some of this to converstations with the BM as situations arise.

Thank you,
Denise

Hi pitwise123,

You're post suggests that you've had a really difficult time with this stuff. I don't feel that I relate to most of it, thankfully, but I've made some comments below.

1) The fact that bm is raising boys without a father, (and probably blames him for divorce) will be known by the chidren and be psychologically stressful to the kids. This is, or can be emotionally damaging to the kids.BM is not raising the children (one boy and one girl) without a father. Their father is involved with their heath, education, and extracurricular needs as much as, if not more than, Massachusetts law will allow the non-custodial parent. Some of this is just out of our hands. MA laws are very rigid, and actually prevent co-parenting even when parents are on board with the model - to the detriment of the kids. As for the blame game...well, she may blame him for the divorce but if so it would be in her head only. As my original post states, she sought the divorce. There were no obvious reasons ie cheating. She just had a plan, achieved it, and was done.

2) the fact that she is "living" with a man (not bf) Is damaging the kids at some level IN MOST CASES. BF moved in with BM. They share pets that the kids love and help care for. He actually showed up at a recent Education Plan meeting at school along with BM, BM's sister and my husband. I'm not sure why except the BM seems to always bring reinforcements for formal meetings. But I commend the effort and the unified appearance it gives to the school. While he's older and probably not into getting dirty playing with the kids, we have no reason to believe he's anything but a positive infuence on them.

3) The fact that She is NOT MARRIED to this man suggests either he is using her or she is using him or both (mutual degradation) is not healthy for kids (or them in the long run) I do think BM has some personal baggage . As an observer, I believe that their relationship is more about mutual assistance. I don't believe that should be the black cloud or swamp that you suggest.

4) The fact that she CHOSE to marry (or have children) with a man that she ultimately would leave suggests a dysfunctional personality incapable of intimacy....not talking about sex. More emotional abuse for kids. Again, I do think her emotional baggage contributed to her decision making. But from what I understand, her baggage goes deep...to her parents, a learning disability and serious esteem issues.

5) A person who invites their x over for a dinner date without extending an invitation to x's current spouse suggests big problems. This has never happened to us, but ya, I imagine this would be an awkward thing. I can't imagine my husband accepting that invitation frankly.

6 A person who is invited to accompany spouse on a dinner date with ex and refuses to go suggests big problems. I think you may have confused my post with someone else's. I've never mentioned anything like 5) and 6). As to sharing a table with the ex, we have all sat at a table sharing a meal at boyscout events. Not great, but you do what you have to do.

You may not be able to totally undo or prevent inevitable long-term damage to the kids that will almost certainly result from their parents divorce. But you can offer them a picture of life as it should be by "modelling" a set of loving parents. The older child had anger therapy after the divorce (before I even met my husband). This seems to have been a success. He's generally a happy kid. I think the younger child, a girl, is showing her frustrations in more subtle ways and probably should have therapy too. I believe you're right-on with the idea of modelling loving parents. That's our goal.

Thank you for your thoughts.
Denise